Shine On You Crazy Mike Simon!

by Mike Solo

Shine On You Crazy Mike Simon! cover art
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02:04
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credits

released 18 September 2010
All beats: DOOM
Vocals: Michael Simon

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tags: blues doom folk hip-hop mf doom rap rock beats hip-hop michael simon mike solo moth and the goat rap Pittsburgh

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Track Name: An Albatross & Chef Boy-ar-dee
lyrics by Michael Simon:

DEAD!

Wakin' up from a nightmare
Now the seas've changed and I gleam like a solar flare
Albatross to bear
Ancient mariner...
What?
Caught up in a sea scare
Whippin', flippin', trippin', beatin' on a cheap snare
Broomstick bangin' on the ceiling,
"Keep it down up there!"
A party goin' on, boy I ain't deaf
Just too busy cannin' up rhymes like I'm Chef Boy-ar-dee
It's plain to see
The physicality of this hip-hop reality
Where my rhymes will contain no fallacy
Demigod demagogue teachin' all your faculty
The method and the way
To hone your frantic vocal spray
And use your words like a sword to slay
Every MC that steps in your way
WOOSH!
Off with his dome!
Dude, shoulda left me alone
Cause I won't be disturbed while I'm sittin' on my throne
Tyrant of the rhyme throw you like the first stone
Cast without sin
Take off my mask, I'm a harlequin
And I shine like a rainbow
Spittin' angelic, kinetic type flow
Uh, all this tellurian hype must go
Cause I'm not of this earth
And I feel if I were it'd diminish my worth
As a space MC
Comin' from a galaxy that ain't milk dudy
Somewhere near the dog star
Comin' down to dominate with my 16 bars
And seekin' out revenge like Jafar
Or maybe I'm Iago
Hip-hop commando
Soft like Haribo
But here's where I diverge though
Cause through all that, lord, I still felt for Othello
Now, you're a disgrace to the nation
Drop the mic, go seek another occupation
One that won't try my patience
Cause your rhymes don't draw elations
Just jeers
Lowerin' your defense like leer
Go lean on a spear
Cause what you're doin' to my ears is sheer torture
I'm-a deport ya for this illegal residence as in house poet
If you got precedence to blow it, then show it!
Track Name: Shark Fin Soup
lyrics: Michael Simon


it's cold out side and my ears are ringing
a bottle of shiraz got me hooked on a feeling
baby girl mirage wheeling and dealing
highly trained in the ancient art of heart stealing
it's a miracle i made it out with any of the truth
no need for that sherlock watson type of sleuth
elementary MC's easy to catch like a level three bidoof
it's the master s i m o n zesty and uncouth
now i'm gonna take you down to where you should've been
passing out pamphlets on the street screaming: repent for your sins
and on a whim I might come out with him on christmas morning
and drink down a big bowl of sharkfin
soup at China Palace chinese restaurant,
I flaunt the fact that I've always been the opposite of gaunt,
goin back to my old haunt, where every day I ate at least 3 croissants
yeah all the way back to the south hills BP,
where I stayed home away from trouble/fun mostly
met a girl there thin like a twig and pale as a ghosty
tried to do it but it hurt too much to fuck with me
but now she's gone, left me sleeping on the dinosaur lawn
like the little girl from lost world - it's your favorite fried prawns
still it was the jewel of the burbs
late night off of work my ass was sittin on the curb
went to Shawn's seeking special herbs and singing birds
but instead i I heard words absurd and disturbed
and some poem talking about Richard Brautigan's turd
all sticking to the top of a greasy trash can lid
I never keep it hid, I always put myself out
puffing up big like a balloon stuffed full of clout
simon take you down to the bar for a guiness stout
got you smiling now let's take the black eye route
give you a mark for your face that you can tout
looking all sour like you ate a big bowl of sauerkraut
all the while wondering what the fuck was all that about
the words that I speak are multisyllabical
my flow comes out bold like spells so magical
mind controlling voice activated tactical
robots raining down fire on your beloved capital
city ah! your whole world is up in flames
cry me a river full of teardrops and blame
for the one who ratted you and took all your money
just a little indian honey codename lakshmi
she spoke cockney knock-kneed while munching on pocky
made every man in town say oh no she likes me
i mean it's all kinda ironic don't you think
it's all more than just some freakish coinkidink
that all you're worth is gone in the blink
of a bloodshot third eye come and show us
the passage to a world sleeping in a lotus
mirroring the sun of our world petaled violet
more beautiful than yours cause you're not there to stifle it
i'm a junkyard hercules napping on my pedestal
not really a god but I'm still more credible
than you who throws hexes fake like formica
cut off my head i'll grow back two like a hydra
my beat's so fresh, epic like gilgamesh
flows so alien you'd think i was john tesh
calling you home to convene with the mothership
cause the leaders of our race don't like your shit
tumbleweed tumbleweed hah here I go
master simon bringing you some heavy eyed flow
like myxomatosis I make your eye ducts blow
out mucus, view this, I may speak slow
but I ain't stupid or cupid, I got a vocal bow
that shoots flow arrows, I bring you down low
Track Name: Mjöllnir
Lyrics: Michael Simon

benjamin is the name that I'm never called
the fulcrum on which
main names are see-sawed, he's flawed
rhyme voice like hoof beat crow caws
but not distorted or wah-wahed,
he's crystal clear, top tier
throwing vocal bolts like Mjöllnir
you'll fear all of what he says and what he don't
Simon uses silence in ways the comma won't
now, S I M O N
is I fear, the last name in your life that you'll ever hear
some say he's queer, but only as in strange
with a flow to match his uncanny verbal range
motherfuckin ASSHOLE to tha master
gotta sheen shine like alabaster
once again I say that I am the master
y'all choking on my flow like you just swallowed castor oil
i foil your plans like aluminum
or rather I ruin em all like ancient greece,
and I teach the art of sweet-speech
you know I'm just trying to keep the peace
with my maker, earthquaker
the life taker, thus spaker
like nietzsche's zarathustra,
with a throatfull of good old fashioned chutzpa
I spit in your face and say no I don't trust yah
anathema
cast fast deep deep in penumbra
stay silent cause I'm timed up with the thunder
attack swift never miss and rend you asunder
what you call rappin', lord I call a blunder
I just killed you on a whole other level
your rhymes always seem to come out square like a bevel
revel with your voice in the treble
broke your vocal cords looks like you need the medical
attention
but first I feel it's crucial to mention that I have pining
for that drug called rhyming
with Simon it's like you're climbing with Sir Edmund Hillary
but you'll never reach zenith auxiliary
I left you in the wasted basement
squirming catepillary
so thrill me with this exercise you've come to call flow
cause while I wouldn't mind all the dough
you must know, I don't write my rhymes to put on a show
I only do it to make my friends say Woah!
Track Name: Guillotine Fever
lyrics: Michael Simon


i'll take you the top and the bottom now
i dig deep got my shit all underground
geodesic I wreck it modern like ezra pound
it's profound professorial rhymes of then and now
got you hurt like mississippi john in the o'keh corral
blah blow even I don't know where my rhymes'll go
way up in the dictionary or down where the wildflowers grow
i marry all that's in the sky with that's been buried dare me
to start a conversation, i'll dole out a
anti-shitty rap inoculation I'm a work bank basin
filled with coelacanths, sycophants, and incantations
you can't handle this amalgamation glossolalia
failed ya where's your God now
I come down from mount sinai
you worship a golden cow
what the fuck man I was only gone for five minutes
you lost your faith and renewed it on some lackluster holier-than-thou shit
uh oh it's the wrath of the bolt thrower
I'm hotter than lit gas outside a motor
sweep every enclave and alcove
to see where flipper keeps his dapper dan poteen cove
& beat y'all to death with indiscreet hammer blows
leave your body like a sky burial brunch for the hungry crows
so it’s time to take out the batteries you got no more power left
just go lay in the closet collect dust and remain inept
cause i got AA’s, AAA’s, D’s, C’s, and 9V’s
pretty much the Thor of household lightning bolts
and just like smog aka bill callahan
i break horses only because I can
whispering in your ear in a low type tone
I accept your defeat, but know you're not alone
they're many more like you
that've succumb to the invalid MC influenza
allow me to cleanse you free of all that bad bile
your humors are outta wack, you should lie down a while
yo man take another breather
but watch out for my lungs they call me guillotine heaver
and just like pete seeger and the weavers
i'll sing goodnight irene
and disappear with commie fever
yet I'm a true believer
cause lord I been changed
Track Name: Slimon Mike Diamonds
lyrics: Michael Simon


slimon mike diamonds
never be one you findin
cause he's deep stuck in the tar pit muck
la brea grime rhymin
fuck the right timin
Simon high up the canopy climbing
Amazon vocal marathon runner
watch out for Helen Keller
but it don't matter
if she get in my way then I stun gun her
call it an act of cruelty to me just a mystery
written on another bloody page of hip-hop's lost history
a fine example of unabashed skullduggery
like Xhosa click clack 1, 2, 3 he count in on time
I place my rhymes in the hands of metal fingers
the beat lingers on your tongue and on your mind
watch how bootsy and frank sinatra are expertly combined
quite a find as am I astride my pale apocalyptic equine
I asked for lime bartender you call this a mojito
so sorry sir please accept this tasty yum-yum taquito
ho we oh swing low how we go on down to the freak show
to watch big beau fight with the geek a creep who'll
bite the beak off a crow don't you know
outside there's four feet of snow so sadly we can't go
but we could flow here inside where it's warm
away from the storm, you've been warned
my rhymes may contain corn, and notions of the forlorn
there's an oath I've sworn to born unto thorn
in my side please don't chide the white skin
and absence of original sin, your argument is thin
like slim or the taste of milk that's skim
I'm gonna fill your cup up to the motherfuckin brim
like Nick Vincenti and all his artistical kin
but to back track again
he keep his beard long strong and hirsute
with rhymes that cause pain some motherfuckers would call acute
you know he's in cahoots with the zoot suit syndicate
your point remains moot let's not get into it
Track Name: Hip-Hop Kagemusha
Lyrics: Michael Simon

betwixt you & me I'm a hip-hop kagemusha
quixotic speech I might lose you in minutia
and poison you again for the umpteenth time
with serpentine rhymes whining when you see the bite mark shine
say shhhhh oooooo
yet you come back like kudzu tasteless like suds in the brew
got a beard so you won't misconstrue me with the dude to my left
I tell those MCs to kiss my cleft
cause my style is deft
and other MCs just seem simply bereft
cause I reft them clean of their souls
and watch them hit their this time lows
I mean it really shows
'specially when I ask, "where your rhymes at, yo?"
When they say they ain't got em
so I come up like a bear paw & swat em
down with sound proven to astound
failure compounds - thumbs down all around
the king of rap's just been crowned
MC Mike solo reigns from upon high
your clothes stay on with twist ties
man I've seen you tellin lies for no good reason
claiming you didn't buy the thing of poultry seasoning
what the fuck that seems wholly unnecessary
no worry though I got your plot ready in the cemetery
and I'm sure there's no cure not from no fairy
drug dealer Larry or any apothecary
on the contrary I do hold the antidote
but I'd like a watch you choke for a little while
just cause it makes me smile
big and toothy like totodile
I fuckin Lovett to the Lyle
And I'm Danson like Ted
Oh shit! you're dead
didn't realize how much time has passed
but this all just proves you couldn't last
king of present future and past
Simon stay fat like Taft